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发现上司对你说谎该如何应对

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译者:MaZhuzu 原文作者:Pamela Meyer
发布:2017-04-07 23:17:51 挑错


Six months ago, at your request, your boss agreed to put your name forward for a new position that works directly with the CEO. Weeks went by, and you heard nothing. Then someone else got the job. When you asked your boss about it, he gave a long, confusing explanation for why the CEO considered you a strong candidate but “had to go another way.”

Last week, you bumped into the CEO in the hall. She pulled you aside and asked why you never raised your hand for the new job, confessing that she wasn’t very happy with the person in the role. As she was talking, you knew one thing for certain: Your boss lied to you. What now?

There are two ways to handle deceit from above: reactively or proactively. If you are in reactive mode, stay calm and be constructive. Breaks in trust are infuriating and hurtful, but they don’t entitle you to flame out, throw a fit, or stomp around rolling your eyes. Try to keep the steam from coming out of your ears.

六个月前,应你的要求,你的上司同意提名让你到一个新职位直接和首席执行官一起工作。转眼几周过去了,你没有任何消息。然后另一个人得到了这个职位。当你向上司打听这件事,对于为什么CEO认为你是一个强势候选人而却要用另一种方式,他给出了一个很长的、令人困惑的解释。

上周,你在大厅遇到了CEO。她把你拉到一边,询问为什么从不申请新的职位,并坦白不是很喜欢刚任职的这个人。当她讲话时,你很确定一件事:你的上司对你撒谎了。现在怎么办呢?

应对上述欺骗行为有两种方法:被动或主动。如果你处于被动状态下,要保持冷静并且积极。信任破裂会让人非常生气、伤心,但是他们并没有赋予你大发脾气或者瞪眼跺脚的权利。要尽量克制住自己的脾气。

Reactive Actions

Do a cost/benefit analysis.Once you spot deceit, you have to choose between the lesser of two evils. If you confront your boss, you may poison the relationship forever. The same may be true if you go to someone else in the firm, such as HR or your boss’s boss. Think before you act, gossip, or complain. Have a hard conversation with yourself. Do you want to keep your job? Confrontation or sounding an alarm is not a good way to do that. But if changing jobs is not out of the question, it may make sense to directly address the deceit.

被动应对

做一个损益分析。一旦你发现被欺骗,必须要两害相权取其轻。如果和上司当面对质,你会永远破坏和上司的关系。如果你去找公司里的其他人也是一样的结果,比如人事经理或者你上司的上司。做事、闲聊或抱怨时要考虑考虑。和自己来一次理性的对话。你想保住自己的工作吗?那么对质或警告都不是一种好的方式。但如果换工作不是不可能的话,那么直接对付这种欺骗行为还是有意义的。

Turn the situation around.Before you engage in a hard conversation, try to understand the motivations your boss may have had. Is he trying to be discreet about a pending merger (which is morally understandable), or is he trying to hide a series of illegal kickbacks (morally repugnant)? Perhaps what feels like deceit to you is actually an attempt by your boss to protect you. Never confront your boss alone if you suspect laws have been broken; always consult an attorney first.

扭转局面。在进行理性的对话之前,尝试去了解你的上司这样做的可行动机。他是在努力谨慎地对待一次并购(这在道德上可以理解),或者他是在努力掩饰一系列的非法回扣(道德败坏)吗?或许,你感觉到的欺骗其实是你的上司在试图保护你。如果你怀疑你的上司触犯了法律,也不要独自去对质;永远要先咨询律师。

Have the hard conversation.Never corner or ambush your superior. If you choose to clear the air, provide a face-saving escape. Avoid labeling the deceit as such, and do not be accusatory. Put on your curiosity hat — remember, you might learn something. Use language such as “I might be seeing this the wrong way” or “I understand that there may have been circumstances that prevented you from sharing all the details with me.” Ask for an explanation of recent events that gave you the impression that you were not receiving an accurate portrayal of what’s been happening. To go back to the opening example, after the CEO pulled you aside, you might choose to relate that conversation to your boss and inform him that you avoided any discussion of previous opportunities — but also expressed enthusiasm about the chance to help her out in the future.

进行理性对话。永远不要难为或埋伏你的上司。如果你选择澄清事实,要采用可以让他挽回颜面的方法。避免把它说成是这样的欺骗行为,不要指责。带着好奇心­­——记住,你可以学到一些东西。要这样措辞,“我可能搞错了”或“我理解在一些情形下你可能无法告诉我所有细节。”最近的事件给你留下了这样的印象,你认为自己对于所发生的事没有得到一个准确的描述,对此讨一个说法。回到最初,CEO拉你到一边后,你可以选择向你的上司提及这次对话,并告诉他你不会谈论任何以前的机会——但是仍然要表露对于将来有机会为她工作的热情。

Proactive Actions

Be explicit about your moral code.Dan Ariely, best-selling author and Duke University professor, conducted research in which college students were asked to solve math problems and grade their own results. There was a bit of cheating. In later rounds of the experiment, the researchers asked students to recall the Ten Commandments before engaging in the exercise. There was no cheating in those rounds. “This result was very intriguing,” observes Ariely. “It seemed that merely trying to recall moral standards was enough to improve moral behavior.”

Similarly, Sreedhari Desai, of the University of North Carolina’s Kenan- Flagler Business School, found in her research that displaying a virtuous quote can “reduce the chances that you’ll be asked to do bad things.” So consider taking this simple step. Add a moral quote, such as “Success without honor is worse than fraud,” to your email signature line or in a framed print on your desk. The more you talk about, and live by, your principles, the harder it will be for others to treat you in a morally ambiguous manner.

主动应对

明确你的道德准则。畅销书作家、杜克大学教授丹·艾瑞里进行了一项研究,研究中大学生被要求解决数学问题并为自己的成果打分。这里面存在一些作弊现象。在后面的试验中,研究人员让学生在进行操作前回想十诫,就消除了作弊现象。艾瑞里说:“这个结果是很有趣的,似乎仅仅努力去回想道德标准就足以提升道德品行。”

同样地,北卡罗来纳大学凯南-弗拉格勒商学院的Sreedhari Desai在她的研究中发现,展示道德语录可以“减少你被引诱去做坏事的机会。”所以,要考虑采取这一简单方法,在你的邮件签名档里或桌子上的照片里加上一句道德语录,例如,“缺乏道义的成功比欺骗更加糟糕。”你谈论的越多,并且按照自己的原则生活,别人就越难在道德上以模棱两可的态度来对待你。

Build strong relationships.If you have good relationships with your colleagues and become known as someone who sweats the details and always follows up, it will be harder to sustain a falsehood in front of you.

建立良好的人际关系。如果你与同事关系紧密,而且你的坚持努力和面面俱到众所周知,那么在你面前维持一个谎言就会更难。

Pay attention.Carefully read memos and presentations that your boss and others circulate, and ask yourself if they fit logically with the messages your boss is giving you. By paying attention, you will be able to spot deceit earlier. If you begin to suspect deceit, document it. Write down specific examples, save copies of documents, and see whether your gut instincts hold up when listed in black and white. But don’t show anyone…yet.

There is a downside to this strategy: If you push it too hard, or run around all day long with a “gotcha notebook,” you may become known as a person who can be incredibly tiresome to work with. But there’s plenty of room in the middle. Situational awareness is a skill that takes practice, looking, and listening. Focus on the benefits of developing the skill, not on your boss’s wrongdoings.

If, after taking these steps, you find your boss lying to you again, it may be time to move on. A friend of mine once realized that her boss was highly supportive to her face but actively critical of her in private. In short, he was her enemy, and he was lying about it. It didn’t take her long to decide that there was no upside for her in confronting, or accusing, her boss, so she quietly and methodically made a plan to leave the company, and ended up with a much bigger job at a competitor nine months later. While it can feel unfair to have to make a career decision because of a morally deficient boss, doing so can sometimes lead you in the right direction, if a bit faster than you otherwise would have preferred.

留心注意。仔细阅读你的上司和别人传阅的备忘录和报告,问问自己它们是否在逻辑上符合你的上司给你的信息。留意这些,你可以早点发现欺骗行为。如果你怀疑被欺骗,要记录下来。写下具体的例子,保存这些资料的复印件,看看当它们变成白纸黑字时你的直觉是否属实。但是还不能给别人看。

这一策略有不利的一面:如果你操之过急,或者整天拿着一个“秘密笔记本”四处乱跑,你会因作为与之共事非常无聊的一个人而闻名。但这中间也有很大的空间。态势感知是一项要去练习、去观察、去聆听的技能。关注一下发展这一技能的益处,而不是你上司的不道德行为。

如果,采取了这些步骤,你发现你的上司又对你撒谎了,或许是时候该换个工作了。我的一个朋友曾意识到她的上司十分给她面子,但私下里却又积极批评她。简言之,他是她的敌人,并且他对此说了谎。她没用多久就认定自己去对抗或指控上司并没有优势,所以她私下里有条理地制定了离开公司的计划,并在九个月之后以竞争一份更重要的工作告终。虽然因为一个没有道德的上司而不得不做事业上的抉择是不公平的,但是这样做有时会正确引导你,如果别人比你更快一点就会得到优先权。

Pamela Meyer is the author of Liespotting: Proven Techniques to Detect Deception, and the CEO of Calibriate, a deception detection and inside threat mitigation consulting firm. Her 2011 TED talk, “How to Spot a Liar,” is one of the 20 most popular TED talks of all time.

帕梅拉•迈耶是《别对我说谎:练就一双精确识人眼》一书的作者:也是Calibriate的首席执行官,这是一家欺诈检测和缓和内部威胁咨询公司。她2011年的TED演讲“怎样识别一个说谎者”一直是20个最受欢迎的TED演讲之一。


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