Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he has "commitment issues". He said he "cared" for me but didn't "love" me. He did this 30 minutes after we'd hooked up and said we loved each other. FML

1:今天，我男朋友和我分手了因为他“无法承诺”。他说他“关心”我但不“爱”我。这事儿发生在我们刚xx过并甜言我们爱彼此30分钟后。FML

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

2:今天，我在奶奶的电脑里看到我上高中时候的档案。我看到个标题是“经历”的WORD文档，以为它是我档案的一部分。我打开开始阅读，它很短，却详细的记录了奶奶的最近的性挫折。FML

Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

3:今天，在和我最好的朋友坦白了我的爱意之后，他看着我说：“我不是很理解，但这表示我们可以ML了吗？”FML

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

4:今天，我交往4年的男友用我做的东西捆住我，在我脸上完事后，他离开了。是我的父母把我解开的。FML

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

5：今天，我发现我前女朋友不再是我以前认识的她了. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

6：今天，我的男友决定给我跳脱衣舞，他脱下他的外衣、衬衣和裤子，只穿着内衣和有斑马条文的袜子，我笑喷了，他离开了，FML。

Today, I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. FML

7：今天我和一个女孩ML时他父母突然提前回来了，我试图从后门溜走时跌倒了，摔断了脚踝，他当过海豹队员的父亲找到了冲撞他小公主的我，他开车送我到急诊室，独自。FML

8:Today, my fiancé and I were having wonderful sex with the bedroom door open. After 2 hours of loud, passionate sex, we turned to see the contractor working on our basement standing in the bathroom doorway down the hall looking into our room, smiling.FML

9:Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process.FML

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

10：今天，我试图和我男友谈谈我们的sex生活。我想告诉他我们做的不够多，但是他没有完全理解。我最后说：“我希望你的sex欲望更强”，他回答说：“我希望你的波更大”。FML

Today, I discovered that my mom and her disgusting mess of a boyfriend refer to his penis as "the monkey." And she says that I hate him because I'M immature. FML

11:今天，我发现我的妈妈和他令人厌恶的、脏乱的男友说话，男友指着他的弟弟说“猴子”，妈妈说"我讨厌猴子，因为‘我还未成年'"。FML

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML

12:今天，我男友继续尝试说服我让他“来后面”，在拒绝了他几次以后他告诉我：“那样感觉非常棒，相信我。”我问他怎么知道的，很久的尴尬沉默之后他回答到：“我不是同志，我发誓”.FML

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

13:今天，我和我男朋友在我的汽车后保险杠上ML，完事后他告诉我他很喜欢骑海马的感觉。FML

2010.01.30

3.Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

4.Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

今天，我和一个喜欢的男生聊天，我认为他是个让人愉快的人，我完全错了，这家伙坐我前面一遍说话一边自慰。FML

5.Today, my boyfriend, of a year, got drunk and called me flat chested then said the reason he won't have sex with me anymore is because he is "used" to me. He said all of this in front of his friends. FML

今天，我交往一年的男友喝多了告诉我，因为我平胸所以他永远不会再和我ML了。他在他所有朋友的面前说的。FML

6.Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. FML

今天，我对我的临床医生说谎了，我说我的ml生活“让我感觉更好”。fml

7.Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he has "commitment issues". He said he "cared" for me but didn't "love" me. He did this 30 minutes after we'd hooked up and said we loved each other. FML

8.Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

9.Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

10.Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

11.Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

今天，我意识到我前女友和女孩搞的比我都过火。FML

12.Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

13.Today, I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. FML

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2010.2.17

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

今天，我去我保守的父母家吃饭的时候迟到了，因为我的男友在吃饭前的淋浴中忙着making cock puppets。fml

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

Today, I decided to have sex with with my boyfriend. After we had finished I jokingly said, "who's going to sleep in the wet patch?". He got up and said "you're optimistic, I'm not staying. Oh, and I'm dumping you, that performance was disappointing". It was my first time. FML

Today, my grandmother gave me a sex talk on how I should take "precautions", right in the middle of a packed bus station. I'm 21. FML

Today, I made heart shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

Today, my boyfriend wanted to have Valentine's Day sex. He then remembered it was unlimited pancakes at IHOP. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. The reason? She slept with four men while I was two weeks away visiting my brother. She told me it was because she missed me so much. FML

Today, my husband and I were role playing to keep our marriage alive. His character was a deranged stalker while I was the helpless girl. My neighbor thought I was really being chased so she called the cops. Once they came we explained the whole story and got a fine for disturbing the peace. FML

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

Today, when setting up for a rehearsal, my eldest teacher was standing next to me. My music teacher announces that it will be a tight fit and hard for everyone to fit in the area. The old teacher next to me leans over and whispers, "I'd like to fit in your tight area." FML

Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML

今天，我醒来听到旁边的屋子传来某人爱爱的声音。我没有室友。原来是我妈妈以为我不在家用她的备用钥匙开门领来个家伙ml.FML

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

今天，我的离婚敲定后，我决定去同一个人我暗送秋波几个月的家伙出去，在酒吧喝了几杯等待许久的酒以后，我已准备摇摆了。非常令人失望，它的弟弟非常小甚至连套套都穿不住。

【本文翻译仅为外语学习及阅读目的，原文作者个人观点与译者及译言网无关】